consumed by silence.....

i have spent this last week consumed by silence. i sometimes wear silence like a shield.....i've found that most people recognize it as such and will honor the unspoken request to be left alone. these are the times that i fight the voice whispering in my ear to flee....where to...i haven't got a clue.....just that i need to go...away.....alone....searching.... for what...again....not a clue....just....something... always the seeker...filled with a wanderlust so strong that my body aches....the gypsy blood pulsing through my veins like a madness....seducing me to forsake family and friends to seek some higher life...

i become introspective during these times....devouring books by the dozens...looking for answers to my unknown questions....i anesthetize myself with alcohol.....overindulge in foods....self destruct....self destruct....self destruct....until i wake up shaking....bleary eyed....weak.....to a new day....and the sun is shining......and i'm still here.....where i'm expected to be. i'll rise....put on my mask....once more....quell my gypsy soul...and return to the drudgery of being my unauthenic self......

each time i resist the call.... i fade a little more.....dimmer...and.... dimmer...extinquishing the fire of my soul....bit by bit...knowing in my heart that if i don't feed that fire...then...one day... all that will be left will be charred...blackened pieces of who i was supposed to be....

and to that woman i want to say.......forgive me.